You: Hey – this feels great, and I’d like to keep on doing it if you would, but I just want to press pause for a sec to make sure we’re on the same page. Them: Yeah, I like this too, and if you want to have dry sex, I could be down with that, but that all by itself is great for me, too. Just keep me posted with any changes if you start to feel differently, and I’ll do the same. Alternate Conversation: You: Hey – this feels great, and I’d like to keep on doing it if you would, but I want to stop for a sec to make sure we’re on the same page. (keeps kissing) You: Whoah: it’s really important to me that I take a minute now, so I need you to do that, too. You: You know, if we can’t do things like just take a minute to check in and lay down some boundaries and ground rules – and that’s all I needed to do – while this felt really good, I don’t want to keep going with it. If you’re ready to talk about this another time, you can call me. I’ve been having the hardest time talking about what I like and what I don’t. You: I’d like to keep making out, and I’m probably comfortable with some dry sex if you are, but I know I don’t want to go further than that this soon. You: You know what, let’s stop for a minute and talk.
Them: Well, I embarrass myself in front of you almost every day and you still like me.
And my feelings shouldn’t be hurt about what you like and you don’t: if they are, that’s my thing to deal with, not yours.
I don't have a disability, but there are plenty of things I can't do or which don't feel comfortable for me, too.
How about we start with the good stuff: that’s easy, right? But it's often painful for me to do it in the position you keep wanting to do it in. So, what can I do to make that even better, and how can we do it so you're comfortable? maybe we could try it like You: I want to talk to you about something that’s been bothering me, and it isn’t easy to talk about, but I need to. You: Well, I keep feeling like maybe you don’t understand that just because you’re finished with sex, that doesn’t mean I am. You: You don’t need to feel terrible: I should have said something before now, I was just too nervous.
Later on we can get to the stuff that’s going to make me feel like a dope. When we have sex together, it feels like it’s all about how or when you get off and not about me, too. And I have been enjoying myself, just not all the time, and just not to the point where I’m feeling as good as you are, or getting to an orgasm, like you do.
But now that you know, can I tell you what I need some more of, and can we talk about how we might do things differently from here on out? Alternate Conversation: You: I want to talk to you about something that’s been bothering me, and it isn’t easy to talk about, but I need to. You: Well, I keep feeling like maybe you don’t understand that just because you’re finished with sex, that doesn’t mean I am.
When we have sex together, it feels like it’s all about how or when you get off and not about me, too. I mean, you’re there and I’m touching you, aren’t I?
My friends say girls like it the way we do it just fine, and the ones that don’t just have something wrong with them.
You: Yeah, I’m there but I feel like I’m there mostly for what you want, and I’m not other girls: I’m me.
I don’t know about the girls your friends are with, but I know that this isn’t working for me, and I’m the girl whose opinions and feelings should matter here.
And something is wrong right now: I don’t feel like you’re really considering me, and while I understand you might be feeling defensive, I need to be heard – more than your friends – if we’re going to keep having sex. It’s not my problem if normal sex doesn’t work for you.