" Well, I didn't say "move this party." I said, "You wanna go into my, uh, bedroom? And he's like, "Okay."Kimmel: Like I'm gonna say no? I mean, at what point had all his clothes come off? In fact, it's something that I think about mentioning to my son, because I don't want him to have to go through that same thing. But if by some chance he does, I would just like to mention to young boys out there, it doesn't matter what it is -- it could be hand lotion, it could be margarine, it could be Crisco -- but use something as a lubricant, because it really helps. Silverman: My favorite story is when Jimmy discovered masturbation, and all of a sudden, instead of fighting to stay up later...
Silverman: So he follows me down the hall, probably twenty-five feet to my bedroom, and I go into my bedroom and I turn around, and he's standing in my doorway, completely naked like a bear. And I looked at him like -- I don't know, I just was taken aback. Silverman: Up until this point, you know, we were very shy in front of each other. Kimmel: We're not popular enough to have paparazzi following us. But I'm not going to mention it to my son, because it would be inappropriate coming from his father.
So I was just very taken aback by this sudden, you know, loss of clothing. And I really think that kids have certain things in their nature, and there's nothing you can do about it. If a kid wants a gun, and he's not going to shoot anyone's eye out, I think it's better to give it to him now than to wait until he's an adult and he buys a real one. Silverman: This is what you get for being a hippie parent. Silverman: I'm always in those tabloids where they show who's badly dressed. But I would like to mention it to anyone else's son who happens to be reading this.
Jesus' words have become so perverted over time -- it's been like a game of telephone. Kimmel: I bought my son an Airsoft machine gun, and I'll tell you why I did that. But that just simply is not the case -- it's not true. I was just always a bed wetter, and I need to be on the side closest to the bathroom. Now I'm being threatened with urine in the bed, so I think I'll just stay where I am. There's no way this will make the badly dressed list. Kimmel: Somehow, she ends up agreeing with them when she sees the picture.
I remember many, many times going to the ATM machine during lunchtime and wishing that it would dispense ten-dollar bills instead, so that I could get a little bit of money. The stress of not having enough money to pay the rent or not having enough money to go out to eat when a group of people are going out to eat was something that really ate away at me. Kimmel: My age means almost nothing to me -- I can't even remember how old I am most of the time.
I'm glad that I don't have to deal with that anymore. What impacts me is my little brother turning thirty this year.
Kimmel: We have a unique relationship in that I'm the woman and Sarah's the man. Silverman: I think we should start seeing other people.
Kimmel: Women are always colder than men are, but if she can be hotter than I am, she'll also be that. Did you ever consider that it's not an absurdist joke at all, that it's an observational, Seinfeldian joke? Kimmel: And secondly, I wouldn't even say it if you weren't lying to people all the time. Kimmel: Here's what I've learned: Don't do interviews with your girlfriend.
So whichever is most uncomfortable is which way she'll go. Silverman: Jimmy doesn't like it when I tell jokes about him. Do I have to add something like "What's up with that? Kimmel: If they did smell, I would go along with it as valid, but the fact of the matter is... Kimmel: Well, first of all, you absolutely do move your bowels, though it is infrequently, I will admit. The fact is, you do move your bowels, and it's a mess.
Silverman: First of all, I'm very impressed that you've learned that men and women are different. Kimmel: I don't mind jokes that have some basis in reality. Silverman: You'll never know, because my nana has passed away. You say that I go to the bathroom and that I have gas. Silverman: What does it matter if your balls smell like my nana's house?
I think that's incredibly original, and I'm blown away by your mind. Kimmel: Here's what Sarah taught me about getting along with my own parents: Try to pretend they're someone else's parents. Silverman: We had known each other for a while, just watching movies and stuff, just being friends. "I'm pooped." And they'd be like, "Wait a minute, Jimmy, Mom's making ravioli." And I was like, "I'm going to have some in the morning." Big yawn. However, if there's a joke in which I'm inserted as the random example -- like Sarah does a joke about my balls smelling like her grandmother's house. Kimmel: People come up to me now and ask me if my balls smell like mothballs. Kimmel: Sarah claims that she never moves her bowels.
Second of all, when I'm cold it's not because I want to be cold. But he will just outright disagree and tell me, "No, honey, it's not cold." But it's a subjective thing. If you do that, the little things that annoy you that don't annoy anyone else are much more tolerable. And then one night we were watching Broadway Danny Rose. After that, suddenly I was always wanting to go to bed early. "I'm gonna hit the hay."Kimmel: If somebody's got a crusade against prostitution, they're probably going to have prostitutes on the side. Silverman: We don't live in a democracy; we live in a hypocrisy.
Silverman: And this is what Jimmy taught me about how to cope with my parents: Like, if I have to be with them without him there, and you have that feeling like you don't have a witness, just collect the stories to share with him later. Jimmy went in for the first kiss, and both of us -- we were probably nose to nose for what seemed like forty minutes before either of us had the guts to just go ahead and kiss. It had been festering for a very long time -- festering, that's a romantic word, isn't it? Silverman: We were in my apartment, on the couch in the living room. For many years, when I was a teenager, I never thought of using lubricant of any kind. And if somebody's preaching to others against homosexuality, there's a good chance they've got a stack of Playgirl magazines hidden under their desk. Silverman: He doesn't like anyone to think I'm attractive. Kimmel: Everybody says, "What in God's name is she thinking?
It got so hot and heavy that I was like, "You wanna move this party to the bedroom? I mean, there was a time when my penis -- you would be amazed at what can happen to your penis from overuse. I mean, something happened to it, and it mushroomed into this -- I don't know what happened to me exactly, but I remember going to the gym with my father and having to really hide my penis from him because I knew he would rush me right to the emergency room.