Riding there on the moto-taxi your stomach is contracting into a knot, ‘maybe this girl, maybe?
Her long hair is curling a little in bangs that fall to her shoulder. Like King Richard the Third, this ladyboy could smile while murdering babies. ’ says the hideous Ice sitting between you like a goblin. The idea of a threesome that had been running through your dirty mind (despite your dislike of Ice) stops in its tracks.
Annie stretches her lean body out on the bed opposite you and made small talk in Ladyboy english, a nod, a smile a word or two. Then the goblin says to Annie, ‘You horny, can boom-boom, I not shy’. You hear cracked wedding bells and suddenly see her dressed in white.
You look at her breasts but let go of any plans, any strategy. Never let anyone see that you want something, anything, from them. Shaking that out of your mind you are about to leave when your future wife says, ‘ you want meet later?
About Us-A Trans-gender, Trans-cultural Relationship Facebook can be a curse or a wonderful aid to communication. I resisted her, holding on to my feelings, determined not to fall for her, even sending her away and not seeing her for some time but finally, when I thought about the person who made me smile the most, I thought about Annie.
Here in Bangkok it’s a terrific ladyboy dating tool and in the summer of 2011 Annie and I met for the first time. We are very different but just as you and your girlfriend are different, you and I, we are the same in many ways. I tired very quickly of the high speed dating, screwing and cheating that goes on here in the Land of Smiles . But we nearly lost each other and when I let her go, back in 2011 this is what I wrote: She is dancing out there on the edge of your waking mind, defying reason, logic and good sense.
I had been living in Bangkok for a little more than a year when I met Annie and in that time I had spent time with lots of ladyboys, found out the hard way never to date prostitutes and quite literally, written a book about my experiences, called Bangkok Baby. I came to Bangkok and was done with all ‘that’ love, that unreliable motive for living. Annie and I spent months dating with me resisting her because she was so young and her telling me that age did not matter. It matters if you are transgender, transexual, gay or straight. Young, naïve, beautiful and possessing of a kind of happy, untutored wisdom and warmth you crave more with every day that she is gone.
I buried it, or more accurately slaughtered it and dumped the body, car and murder weapon. After screwing anyone I could pay to screw me back for a few months to keep my distance I noticed bubbles rising from the dead-pool. Later, meeting Annie, I was as wired as a man can be and well versed in Thailand’s real language and knew all about smiles and Thai friendliness. It matters because we were fighting wars before they were born. Annie, where are you and why did I ever let you go?
Loneliness, or something like it popped on the surface. She was standing at the end of a scruffy Bangkok street wearing a red t-shirt, smiling. She moved out and between those two actions our destiny was brokered, because I told her to go and she wanted to stay. How could we possibly relate; how could she possibly relate to my experiences? You wake up and roll onto your back, a little bit wiser than in the days that have gone before. The radio is still playing from the whisky a go-go in your room but in the light of day the music is more portentous than it has any right to be. In her friend’s room Annie kept her clothes in a shopping bag.
Loneliness is not an attractive state and so it rarely gets a mention in thrillers about private detectives traversing dark cities as it repels more than attracts the subject of its craving, like leprosy or a runny nose. The less one thinks about it and talks about it the better. The room spins past your eyes just like the last months in Bangkok; recognisable as days but lacking any real definition; a hazy semblance of time passing and ladyboys passing through. The cold blast of the air conditioner that you have never got around to adjusting begins to wake you up. You do not even have the distraction of May to occupy your tumbling mind; she won’t be awake for hours yet. You thought nothing of it then only seeing her eyes and her smile.
But, a little lost, I listened to it’s baby voice, found a girl or something like it and guiltily, whitely, ripped out most of the pages of the book called, It’s recommended reading but I recommend that you don’t emulate me. You wipe the wetness from your eyes and feel a body pressing into your side. It is only 11am and she lives in a different time zone from us working stiffs. She invited you there one Sunday afternoon in July.
It was a first, tentative assignation at Phra Kanong.